MAN CITY ‘EXPULSION’? WHATABOUT LIVERPOOL, ARSENAL AND THE OTHER 17 PREMIER LEAGUE CHEATS?

Manchester City have 115 FFP charges hanging over them, but whatabout the rest of the Premier League scumbags?

City are facing ‘expulsion’, and we’ve come up with excellent, bona fide reasons why all of the other 19 clubs should be relegated from the top flight.

Arsenal – Overcelebrating

The celebration police charges came to nothing after Mikel Arteta ‘stole’ Jurgen Klopp’s trademark fist pump or when Martin Odegaard took snaps of the photographer, but the title win will be the final straw for Chief Constable Keys, who will have Sergeant Carragher, Constable Souness and Community Support Officer O’Hara ready with baton, handcuffs and whistle respectively to make arrests pitch-side at the Emirates on the last day of the season.

Aston Villa – £119.6m loss

Given the Premier League’s profit and sustainability rules (PSR) only allow for losses of £105m across three seasons, a £119.6m deficit in one season is a concern. That 2022/23 loss is the largest among teams competing in Europe this season. We may have to wait a year for their expulsion, as the club chiefs are adamant that they’re on course to meet the requirements again this season, but come 2024/25 they may well be in some bother, as Jack Grealish’s £100m sale in August 2021 falls out of consideration.

Bournemouth – Sacking Gary O’Neil

“A ludicrous decision,” according to Gary Lineker, while various other pundits – all avid watchers of Bournemouth last season, of course – joined in his admonishment of the club for replacing O’Neil with a manager who’s won 1.38 points per game at Dean Court compared to his predecessor’s 0.92. And poor Gary’s slumming it with Wolves in mid-table and being linked with the Manchester United job. There were simply no winners.

Brentford – Hollywoodbets

There are seven other Premier League clubs that advertise a gambling company on the front of their shirts, but to see Ivan Toney wearing one is particularly disheartening.

Brighton – Farming talent

We refuse to believe a club can have such an outstanding hit-rate on young talent without having done something egregious. Backhanders to Argentinian diplomats, doping the waters of Paraguay, something like that.

Burnley – Failure to launch

How dare Vincent Kompany bring Burnley up from the Championship and Play Football in the Premier League. Patrons of The Royal Dyche want it launched in memory of the man struggling to keep a different team in the Premier League.

Chelsea – Roman Abramovich

The fans may claim they’re getting their comeuppance in the form of their new American owners, who barely know what football is, let alone have the knowledge to run a club, but it won’t be lost on their rivals – or even just people with a sound set of morals who want justice – that Chelsea have essentially got away being funded through their two decades of success by a man who was also funding a murderous tyrant and his war on Ukraine.

Over two years on from his departure, Abramovich could still be the one to f*** Chelsea

Crystal Palace – Simon Jordan

Who else is there to blame for sentencing us all to the man’s high-falutin opinions and desperate verbal gymnastics?

Everton – Uninspiring architecture

A crime far greater than breaking the FFP rules they agreed, twice, is their new stadium, described as ‘generic’, ‘dull’, ‘another stadium that looks like every other one’ and – our personal favourite – ‘just a bowl with seats’.

Fulham – £125 to watch Sheffield United

An 18% rise in ticket prices since last season and a 40% rise since 2019 is shocking. ‘So much for us being “a family friendly” club’ said The Fulham Supporters’ Trust in a statement. The majority of adult tickets behind the goal cost £71 against Sheffield United with prices at the sides up to £125. For Sheffield United?! Yikes.

Liverpool – Manchester City hacking

Sounds juicy doesn’t it? Liverpool hacking the Manchester City scouting system. And it probably would have been a far bigger deal had it occurred in the midst of their great rivalry, rather than in 2013 when Liverpool regularly relied upon Stewart Downing and Jonjo Shelvey. The Reds paid a £1m settlement in 2019, but on the back of their charges, if you think Liverpool whataboutery isn’t going to form a significant part of Manchester City’s defence you are sorely mistaken. They’re going down swinging.

Luton – Too small

Have you seen their stadium? Embarrassing.

Manchester United – A decade without a Premier League title

Haven’t won, or even come close to, winning a title in a decade in which they have at no point been lower than fourth in the Forbes list of the most valuable football clubs. At a certain point they should be kicked out for being so terrible, and that point has come.

Newcastle – Beheadings

Forgive us for being prudes but we’re not sure a football team should be run by a state that beheads supposed criminals, murders journalists, discriminates against women and members of the LGBTQ+ community and violates several other human rights.

Nottingham Forest – Marinakis vs Tierney

We’re not sure what colour it would be, but Tierney should have had the option of brandishing a relegation card at Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis for chasing the referee down the tunnel.

Sheffield United – Football

If they’re not relegated through the usual means having been terrible at football, they should be forcefully expelled for being terrible at football.

Tottenham – Defoe agent breach

Described as “a cold case which has become warmer” on the back of an investigation by The Times in November, Jermain Defoe’s 2008 transfer from Spurs to Portsmouth, which involved an unlicensed agent – hasn’t reached the requisite temperate for the FA to have done anything about it. But breaches of agent rules have previously resulted in point deductions, transfer bans, and suspensions for club officials.

West Ham – Tevez and Mascherano

17 years on and Neil Warnock’s still fuming: “Because it was little old Sheffield United, the Premier League didn’t take the points off (West Ham). It was wrong.” Tevez played a key role in keeping the Hammers up at the expense of the Blades, who later won a settlement in the region of £21 million. Points deductions are more in vogue now than ever, and there’s no statute of limitations when it comes to the FA.

Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano signed for West Ham in 2007.

Wolves – Opening the Saudi floodgates

We all just thought Cristiano Ronaldo would be ploughing a lone furrow on Saudi soil, and if he was to be joined it would be by over-the-hill footballers who wanted a payday before retiring. But Ruben Neves was 26 and linked with some of the European elite. His decision to join Al-Hilal was a landmark moment for the Saudi Pro League, who had shown they could lure players in their prime, which persuaded more to follow suit. Expulse them.

2024-03-28T08:15:21Z dg43tfdfdgfd